Well, well, well…. it’s been awhile .. a really long while since I wrote anything. In the spirit of honesty, the reason I haven’t wrote much is because I let my anxiety take over something that I love to do. I wanted to be real – I also wanted to be uplifting & end every post on an upswing. I couldn’t do it. I fell off. So, here I am climbing BACK on. Honest.
I have anxiety, manifesting as stress & or maybe its stress that is manifesting as anxiety or maybe it’s both with the potential of becoming a stroke before I reach the age of 30. It’s paralyzing and when it is in full swing it attacks every fiber of my motivation. I lose my concentration, I lose my appetite & not just for food, but for anything. Being social became a burden, being perky was an inconvenience, as well as fleeting and I would overthink EVERYTHING. A lot of the time I have anxiety & stress without even knowing what is causing it, coming on in waves, triggered by something seemingly insignificant! But to keep my mind from consuming itself, I continue to be social, and upbeat & busy, all the while my chest gets tight, my breathing is labored. I toss and turn all night, plagued with overthought. I try to explain it to people, its always the same “just relax, take it one day at a time, just breathe” – if taking a full breath was that easy, I would have done it already and got on with it. I just want to cancel all my plans and lay in one spot, but when I do…if I lay there for too long… I will start to overthink and the cycle continues.
When you factor in your duties as not just a person but a parent, it all gets that much more complicated. You have to function, there are little people depending on you, and from a corporate standpoint, there are big people depending on you. So while I was taking care of all of my duties, as a person, as a parent, as a friend, I just couldn’t find it in me, to do this too. I wanted to so bad, but I had no inspiration or motivation. So now you know, and I’m managing it & I’m not letting my angst get the best of me. There are so many people who struggle with anxiety, with stress, others with depression, some are more severe than others & we don’t talk about it in fear that we will look like a basket case or worse, like we are just being dramatic and weak. Taking care of yourself physically and mentally is SO invaluable.
That’s what 2018 will be about for me. This blog of mine, that’s still in its infancy, my actual children & my whole well being. It feels good to be back.